Anne Hunting Love: 5 Most Boring Dates
You Have to Have Mr. Collins in the Search for Mr. Darcy
As a young girl, I watched the 6-hour version BBC version of “Pride and Prejudice” and fell deeply in love with Mr. Darcy (hello… Colin Firth coming out of that lake), and the story, leading me to watching the many different versions and rereading the classic Jane Austen novel yearly. And while I would consider myself an expert, I missed a key component of Austen’s genius: finding a keeper like Mr. Darcy requires suffering through some boring Mr. Collins’s.
To those of you who have not seen or read this classic:
1. shame, shame, shame.
2. Quick explanation of these characters: Elizabeth needs to get married, preferably to someone wealthy in order to avoid spinsterhood and financial ruin. Enter the dashing Mr. Darcy, who is intriguing – every interaction filled with sparks, though Elizabeth thinks he is stuck up. Around the same time, Mr. Collins shows up – a reverend for a wealthy woman and distant cousin of Elizabeth, looking for a wife. While he sets his sights on Elizabeth, she CANNOT stand him: he, and the life he is offering her, feels exceedingly boring. Because you really should experience the greatness, I am going to stop here…
I will present my five most boring dates from the least boring to the most boring, because who doesn’t love a good countdown? Without further ado, my 5 Mr. Collins’s.
#5 Mr. Headphones
I cannot lie – I did not want to go on this date. Not because he was not attractive or interesting, but it was a Friday night at 8 P.M. and as a kindergarten teacher, I just wanted to rest. But my mother, in a very Mrs. Bennett move, chastised me saying: “This might be your 17th date in three weeks, but he might only go on this one date this month, so put a little bit of effort in.” I grudgingly put on minimal makeup, threw on some jeans, and drove to the bar.
The most interesting thing about this man was that he was OBSESSED with Chris Brown (of Rihanna fame). I have legitimately never in my entire life met a bigger fan. He knew every song on every album, every feature on obscure artists songs. It was clear to me it was what made him “come alive,” which was both confusing and slightly alarming. It also became clear he was looking for someone to fill a specific role in his life: a bowling team he played on with his best friends. Just like Elizabeth knew she did not a vicar’s wife make; I could not imagine myself fitting into his world.
LESSON: It is nice when your date knows what they are looking for – even if that is not you.
#4 Mr. Smiley Face
Mr. Smiley Face, while sweet, legit let me talk and determine the course of the conversation for our full 1.5 hours together. I clearly love an audience (cough – podcasting and blogging about a dating challenge), but I know all of my own stories and I do not need to hear them, even though they be hilarious and engaging. In Mr. Collins’s fashion, he laughed freely at almost anything I said, but did not offer any stories or anecdotes himself.
The most exciting moment of the night came when I realized that I had left my backpack at the table. After I had said goodbye and given him a hug. I had to awkwardly run past him outside the restaurant where he waited for his uber, offering a quick explanation before retrieving said backpack and trying as quickly as possible leave with only one awkward, slightly too close hug.
LESSON: I need someone who can keep up with me and won’t just let me dominate. Like Elizabeth, I need an equal.
#3 Mr. Dancer
For this date, my official halfway mark, I had been at brunch with friends beforehand recounting tales from the first 10 dates over prosecco and ended up relatively tipsy. I arrived first allowing time to splash some water on my face and grab tea and cold water, in a hilariously bad attempt to sober myself up. I knew I needed to channel my inner, unflappable Elizabeth Bennet, and waited as she would have – scrolling on my phone, pretending I was reading an important article while I actually scrolled Instagram (we all know Elizabeth would have tried to resist social media, but would have succumbed).
When he arrived and our date officially started, he was incredibly nice, but it quickly became clear that we were a mismatch: his idea of a vacation was Las Vegas; mine, Bali. He had not lived outside the state of Illinois; I had lived on four different continents and in three different American cities. He regaled me with stories about nights out in Chicago; I told him about my experiences with typhoid and malaria. It was clear to both of us that we had different priorities, different paths, and that was fine.
LESSON: Opposites do not always attract. Sometimes, when the mismatch is obvious its way more than ok to just move on.
#2 Mr. Pill
I remember looking at my watch on this date more than I remember specific conversation. It was not bad: the usual amount of awkward, stilted conversation over an afternoon cup of tea. But this was the first of two dates that night and I just wanted to get them both over with. I just could not wait to get out of there, not because I was particularly excited to go on the second date, but they both just seemed like items to check off on my to-do list on the day’s journey back to my bed.
To make sure I would be on time for the second date, I had set a time limit for our date prior to meeting. He could tell I was anxious about the time (did constantly checking my watch give me away?!?!) and he, in a chivalrous way, told me it was time for me to go. Legitimately, this man told me to leave our date. I imagine Elizabeth feeling the same when Mr. Collins alerted her it was time for her to sleep, go on a walk, or read: pure relief mixed with a sense of disbelief at feeling relieved upon being told to do anything by a man.
(PREVIEW: the second date this night unexpectedly ended up being, arguably, the best date of the challenge… but you’ll have to wait for that story)
LESSON: Setting a time limit on a date beforehand is key: it gives you an out if you need. Also, first dates (unless exceptionally bad or good) should be somewhere between 45 to 90 minutes. You’ll know whether you want it to continue before that time limit, I promise.
#1 Mr. Bored Face/Sleeping Face
This was, without a doubt, the most boring date I have ever been on. We played trivia, something I typically enjoy, but the conversation was stilted and boring. He talked endlessly about his job and all I could hear was “blah, blah, blah.” There were two games of trivia at the bar that night, but I begged off after the first, circled the block, and returned to play the second game with friends instead. I remember those laughs with friends so much more than any conversation with this gentleman.
I have never felt more empathetic to Elizabeth Bennet having to hear Mr. Collins talk on and on about Lady Catherine De Bourgh.
LESSON: If a date is really, truly boring it is ok to leave. You do not have to waste your time.
As I reflect on these 5 most boring dates, my Mr. Collins’s, and the past 11 weeks of quarantine, it is evident that there is a clear distinction between “bad” and “boring”. Out of the boredom of quarantine we were gifted John Krasinski’s “Some Good News,” countless loafs of sourdough, and dalgona coffee. And from the boredom of these five dates, I was able to determine what others were truly bad, and which were truly delightful. Elizabeth did not settle for boring, and neither would I. So thank you, all my dear Collins’s, for showing yourselves so I was better prepared to find my own love walking deliciously out of a lake on his vast estate…